


Your Best and Most Dearest Friend

by graceful_ginger



Series: The Saddest Fucking Thing I've Ever Heard [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Evan centric, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Suicide, author can't think of any other tags, author will probably think of more later, author's first fic!, oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 03:42:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11283057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceful_ginger/pseuds/graceful_ginger
Summary: Evan had no idea why he was being called to the principal's office in the middle of school, but he was sure it could mean nothing good. But when he arrived to find a heartbroken Mr. and Mrs. Murphy he found that what they had to tell him was far worse than anything he might have heard from Mr. Howard.





	Your Best and Most Dearest Friend

**Author's Note:**

> This is an au in which everything Evan told the Murphys about him and Connor was true--except they were also dating. I'm thinking about making this a series and doing some more out of order one shots in this 'verse. Hope you enjoy!

Evan’s mind was reeling as he made his way to the principal's office. Why had he been called out of class? Had he done something wrong? He didn’t think he had. But he probably had. Oh, god he was going to be in trouble with the principal. He had never been in trouble with the principal before. What if they called his mom? They were going to call his mom and then she’d have to leave work for him, and she’d be so disappointed and he’d get kicked out of school and she’d get fired and it would all be his fault for doing something wrong and he hadn’t even realized it and oh god, what had he done wrong?

Evan expected (hoped?) that he would have to wait a few minutes before anyone would be able to see him, that's how it usually was, but when he got to the main office and stammered his name to the lady at the front desk she told him to go straight into Mr. Howard’s room, her face somewhere between pity and sympathy. That probably meant it was serious, didn't it? It probably meant they were going to expel him. They probably already had. Oh god oh god oh god.

But when he reached Mr. Howard’s office he found it lacking a certain Mr. Howard. Instead, sitting on the stiff green couch was a very upset looking middle aged couple. It took Evan a moment to place them, he had never actually met them, but then it hit him. They were Connor’s parents, Cynthia and Larry. Why were Connor’s parents here? And why did they look so upset? Had they found out about him and Connor? Oh, god they had probably found out and now they wanted to kill him.

“G-good morning,” He said, and both of their heads snapped towards him. Why were they looking at him like that? “Um… is Mr. Howard here?” They shifted a bit, but continued to stare at him sadly. “I’m sorry, just, um, they said on the loudspeaker for me to come to the principal’s office?” And finally, finally, Larry said something.

“Mr. Howard stepped out.” He stood up, and Evan automatically drew back. “We wanted to speak with you, in private. If you’d like to maybe…” he trailed off, gesturing towards the open chair. Evan sat hesitantly. What did Connor’s parents have to talk to him about in private?”

“We’re, uh, we’re Connor’s parents,” Had Evan not been freaking out, he might have noticed that Larry seemed more lost than mad.

“Oh,” said Evan, unsure of what else he could say. He knew that already, of course, but it would probably be weird to say that. They had never actually met after all, he didn't want to seem creepy. Larry gestured for his wife to continue. She was obviously having trouble talking, and even Evan, through his panic and confusion, could tell that she didn't look mad, but sad. heartbroken. For the first time, it occurred to Evan that something might have happened to Connor.

“This is…” Cynthia swallowed, holding out a piece of paper for Evan to take. “Connor, he wanted you to have this.” Evan took the paper. He was almost scared to see what it said.

Dear Evan Hansen,

That was how Connor always started his emails. He liked to make fun of Evan for those therapy assignments he did, but he had never actually written Evan a letter.

Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s Zoe and all my hope is pinned on Zoe who I don't even know and who doesn’t know me. I know, maybe if I could just talk to her than maybe, maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of something, I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone even know if I just disappeared tomorrow?

Now Evan was really freaking out. Connor had been doing better, it had seemed like he was doing better. What was this? Why were his parents giving it to Evan rather than Connor sending him an email like normal?

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,  
me

Friend. Neither of them had used that word to describe their relationship in a while. Connor must have realized his parents were going to read it or he would have just signed off with ‘love you’ or something like that. What was going on? The appearance of the Murphy’s, their weird behavior, the inexplicable note; all of it was making Evan anxious.

“We never heard your name before… Connor never… and then we saw,” Larry indicated to the paper in Evan’s hands, “‘Dear Evan Hansen’.”

“He gave this to you?” asked Evan, trying desperately to figure out what was even happening.

“We didn't know you two were friends.”

“F-friends?” The Murphy’s knew they were friends? Did Connor tell them?

“We didn't think Connor had any friends.” He paused. Both of them looked so sad and it was freaking Evan out. “And than we see this… this letter and it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor, or at least, for Connor, that he thought of you as…” Evan stared at him, panic building in his chest. Larry seemed frustrated. “I mean it's right there! It’s addressed to you, he wrote it to you.”

“You think that this, uh, that Connor wrote this to me?” This had to be a mistake. Connor wouldn't write something like that, he was doing better. And even if he did he would just email it, not give it to his parents. This had to be a mistake.

“These are the words he wanted to share with you.” Cynthia’s voice was quiet.

“His last words,” added Larry and wait, what? Cynthia was starting to say something else but Evan couldn't focus because no, no, no that couldn't be right, this couldn't be happening.

“I-I’m sorry what do you mean ‘last words’?” Larry look surprised. Cynthia was crying now, unable to speak.

“Connor, uh… Connor took his own life.” He said it matter-of-factly, as if this were a bit of unfortunate news brought up in a business meeting, as if he had not just turned Evan's world upside down.

“He what?” That had to be wrong, Connor wouldn't- Connor was getting better. He wouldn't- he couldn't have- he just wouldn't.

“This is all we found with him, he had it folded up in his pocket,” explained Larry. So they thought this was what, some sort of suicide note? Well it wasn't. It couldn't be, because Connor wouldn't have committed suicide. “And you can see he was, he was trying to explain why…” Larry started repeating parts of the letter, but Evan could barely hear him. This wasn't a suicide note, Connor couldn't have written this.

“Okay but that- this is not,” They both looked at him, Cynthia trying not to sob. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Connor didn't, Connor didn't write this.”

“What does that mean?” He had to explain that Connor couldn't have written this, because he was getting better.

“Connor didn't- he didn't write this.” Evan shook the letter.

“What does he mean?” asked Cynthia, turning to her husband desperately.

“He’s obviously in shock,” answered Larry, and no, no, no, that was wrong.

“He didn't-”

“It’s right here!” Cynthia stood up, pointing at the letter.

“I’m sorry but I should really just-” Evan jumped up reaching for his backpack. He had to get out of there, he had to go find Connor, he had to- 

Cynthia was yelling, asking what he meant and he was rambling, asking to leave, please could he just leave now, and Larry was standing too saying something and it was all too much and Connor wasn't dead, he wasn't and then- 

“This is all we have of him!”At Cynthia's last shout, all three of them fell silent. For a moment, the only sound was that of her quiet sobs.

“Here, just take it, just,” he reached over, handing the letter to her, he didn't want it.

“Larry look!” Cynthia gasped, staring at his left arm. “His cast…”

Evan looked down and saw Connor’s name scrawled in giant letters across the sterile white of his cast. He remembered when, just a few days ago, Connor had put it there. He had been acting so strange. He had shoved Evan earlier, and sure he had apologized, but he hadn't been acting like himself. Evan assumed it was his fault and that he had done something wrong and eventually Connor would tell him what and Evan would apologize about a hundred times and Connor would either forgive him and they’d be fine or he would break up with Evan and Evan would die alone. Probably the latter. But what if it hadn’t been Evan’s fault, what if he had been acting weird because he was… he was going to…

Evan was crying now. The truth of the situation had hit him suddenly and violently, breaking through his shock. Connor must have gotten worse and not told him. Evan should have noticed though, he must have thought Evan didn't care. He must have thought Evan didn't love him and now he had killed himself and now he was dead and Evan was never going to see him again or hear his voice or hold him or fall asleep with his hair tickling Evan’s nose. He hadn’t realized he’d stumbled backwards, but his back hit the wall and he slid down, wrapping his arms around his legs and sobbing. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered what sounded like Cynthia running from the room, sobbing as well. Evan stayed there, crying, rocking back and forth for a few minutes more. Then, all of the sudden, he had to get out. Go somewhere else. Be anywhere that wasn't there.

Wiping his eyes and taking a few ragged breaths, he unfolded his limbs and began to stand up. With a start, he realized that Larry was still in the room, awkwardly hovering nearby. he held out a hand to help Evan up, which Evan hesitantly took.

“I’m sorry, son,” he said. Evan stared at his shoes, trying not to think. “It’s still such a shock to us that you even exist. We would love to hear more about your friendship with Connor.” Evan nodded absentmindedly. “Would you like to come over for dinner? Perhaps tomorrow night when you've had some time to, er… adjust?” Evan nodded again, still mostly focused on not having another breakdown. “Excellent. Do you know where we live? And can you get there or do you need one of us to pick you up?” That snapped Evan back to reality.

“Yes!” he cried. “Sorry, I mean, yes to I know where you live and yes to I can get there, n-not yes to needing to you should pick me up I'm s-sorry. I wouldn't want to be a bother. I-I can just walk.”

Larry didn't seem to have been paying that much attention to Evan’s ramblings. “Alright, see you tomorrow night.”

“S-see… you.” But Larry had already hurried out.

Taking a deep breath, Evan tried to compose himself before following. After fiddling with his backpack straps and trying to remember how to breath for an appropriate amount of time, Evan walked out of the office and into a world without Connor.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fic so go me! Let me know what you thought in the comments or hmu at my tumblr: i-the-ginger
> 
> Have a lovely day you beautiful humans <3
> 
> EDIT: Something weird happened with the formatting of the letter, but I fixed it!


End file.
